20:21pm 18/03/18

trigger warning πŸ€šπŸ’œβš 

from Insta today, thought I’d put it on here too. ⬇

right so I’ve come to a realisation Its really stressing me out and confusing me.
I have symptoms of bulimia nervosa which I’m diagnosed with, periods of binge/purge cycles, then I have periods of extreme restricting/fasting and compulsive exercising and I also have short periods of comfort eating.
so I don’t think I have bulimia but I don’t know what to call this mess.
my eating is literally all over the place and it’s messing my body up.
it’s like I’ve got 3 different behaviours of 3 different EDs that I switch between and it’s fucking making my life hell.
and the worst thing is because I’m overweight professionals don’t care. it’s making me miserable.
To me my eating disorder is my biggest problem but professionals think it’s my mood/EBPD.
I want to be healthy and happy but I can’t recover from this mess on my own.
I just want a healthy relationship with food and to lose weight healthily without constantly being harassed by disordered thoughts. πŸ˜ͺ

Today was hard my dad bought me ice cream to surprise me so I ate half of the tub on the way back to the ward to make him happy and when I got back to the ward I purged it and did an hour’s excersise.

I feel so guilty for eating over 1000 cals today my brain wont allow me.

I feel like I have to not eat for a week just to get rid off it.


Ellie x

20:30pm 17/03/18

no trigger warning today πŸ€šπŸŒΌπŸ›

first if all, I forgot how much I love food 😊

weetabix, banana and a spoon of nutella is the best πŸ’œπŸŒ°πŸ«πŸŒ

And this quorn stir fry I made was amazing, I’ve decided to be fully vegetarian & cut dairy out of my diet.

I’ve decided to be alot more healthier with my food, because I know that will make me feel less guilty around food.

it seems disordered and it kinda is but it’s not hurting my body.

no self harm this weekend either, I’m mixed about that since the thoughts are still so strong.

but I will get through this 🌼

Ellie x

17:59pm 16/03/18

slight trigger warning 🀚🌼

feelings of guilt for eating are strong now but I need to keep going I can’t stop eating again.

managed dinner and tea this time I ate most of it.

still compulsively exercising in my room but I have more strength to do it now.

the staff are being so supportive which is encouraging x

home leave tonight, mum should be here at 19:00pm and I should be home by 20:00pm my boyfreinds staying over and my friends coming to see me.

self harm urges are strong but determined to make this weekend a good one πŸ’ͺπŸŒΌπŸ–’πŸ’œπŸ’›πŸ’™

Ellie xxx

18:45pm 15/03/18

no trigger warning today!😊πŸ’ͺβ˜„

Today was a challenge, but I got through it.

A nurse encouraged me to eat some toast so I ate one slice and binned the other.

I managed abit of my dinner and a quarter of my tea.

I also went to Yorkshire wildlife park today with the ward, saw loads of animals but it was abit dead tbh.

the animals look miserable and I wanted to save them all, especially the polar bears and lions.

anyway I’m going to play the sims 3 till I go to sleep.

Ellie xx

20:08 pm 14/03/18

🌼 possible trigger warning 🌼

after not eating anything for 5 days, today I managed some grapes and a strawberry. The guilt is unreal but I’m proud of myself for once.

I feel like fruit and veg is the only thing I can eat atm.

I’m not gunna end up in general and I get my home leave hopefully.

I feel a little better than I have for the past week.

A support worker I like took me for a walk earlier it was nice I opened up about alot to her so when we got back she came to my room and handed me a bowl of fruit and a cup of tea.

I panicked but she said if I do it my body will be happy so I ate the grapes and she asked me to eat one more thing, so I ate the strawberry.

I feel abit better physically for eating but my blood sugars are still a little below average apparently.

anyway hopefully everything goes ok from now.

my anxiety is sky high atm though but oh well

look after yourselves xx

Ellie x

15:52pm 13/03/18

Trigger warning ⚠ don’t read if you’re gunna trigger yourself ❀

Today was rough, had ward round.

they told me if I don’t improve with my eating by thursday I can’t have group, escorted or home leave.

and if I’m not eating by next week and my health deteriorates then they need to detain me and drive me to general hospital.

my blood sugars are dropping and I feel really weak.

I still can’t eat even if I try I just end up having a panic attack and crying.

I’m depressed all the time, not getting out of bed, not going to school or groups.

my sleeping meds have been changed to 10mg melatonin and 25mg promethazine so that should work.

I’m extremely tired and fed up with everything right now.

I just want to disappear.

hope you’re ok,

Ellie x

20:02 pm 12/03/18

ED TW – please dont trigger yourself⚠❀

still not eaten, the staff wouldn’t let me go for a walk because my blood sugars were fairly low so I managed a cup of tea with sugar.

A support worker called Jo asked to speak to me and she was really nice, I opened up about my eating problems and told her that I’m done caring about what happens to me so she told me I’ll end up in general on a section.

I’ve been threatened with sections countless times so I know it won’t happen.

honestly I don’t care anymore.

still compulsively exercising in my room and it’s made me really dizzy.

I’m gunna play sims 3 to distract myself and then go to sleep.

night x

13:04 pm 11/03/18

don’t read if easily triggered by eating disorder talk. ⚠

today’s been shitty, haven’t managed dinner or breakfast.

my head is happy that I haven’t eaten in 38 hours.

all I’ve drank is tea and water.

the staff arent concerned so that’s good.

moods so low atm and I’ve not left my room.

I’ll update later today or tomorrow.

Ellie x

15:45pm 10/03/18

⚠Massive trigger warning ⚠

Don’t read if easily triggered by eating disorders or self harm.

Today has been hard, the voice is encouraging me to stop eating.

I’ve not eaten all day so far and it’s keeping the voice quiet for now.

I self harmed last night and it’s not good enough.

I’m kinda happy the ward doesn’t care about my ED because that means I can continue with my behaviors.

going back to the ward later on tonight, so I miss tea aswell.

I’m scared I’ll eat something and fuck everything up.

I’m driving with my mum to pick my little sister up from work, then later I’m cooking tea, but I’m not eating any.

My mum’s making me feel shit atm, she’s not being there for me and constantly snapping and having a go at me.

She keeps going on about exercise and calories and fasting and it’s triggering as fuck.

I keep telling her to stop and she doesn’t.

I feel so guilty.

I feel so awful.

keep yourselves safe,

Ellie x

🌟 intro 🌟


I’m Ellie, I’m 17 and I’m writing here to document my journey with depression, anxiety, PTSD, drug induced psychosis, bulimia nervosa and emerging bpd.

I’m currently in a psychiactric hospital following a suicide attempt.

I want to use this as a diary, because I enjoy writing down how I’m feeling everyday, because it helps me and I like to look back at how I used to be.

Or I might just write random bullshit that’s in my head.

I’ll add a trigger warning on all posts now, I’m gunna be open about how I’m feeling so I don’t want to upset everyone.

anyway, follow this if you want? I have an Instagram that I document my struggles on but I like this idea more.

talk soon,

stay safe x